Jealousy is a killer. Relationships end because of jealous conflicts and people kill other people because they are jealous.
Imagine this. You are at a party and
someone is friendly and you smile. Your partner thinks that you are
betraying her. Or your partner tells you a funny story about a former
lover and you feel threatened. You feel the anger and the anxiety rising inside you and you don’t know what to do.
Susan could identify with this. She
would glare at her partner, trying to send him a “message” that she was
really annoyed and hurt. She hoped he would get the message. At times
she would withdraw into pouting, hoping to punish him for showing an interest in someone else. But it didn’t work. He just felt confused.
At other times Susan would ask him
if she still found her attractive. Was he getting bored with her? Was
she his type? At first, he would reassure her, but then—with repeated
demands for her for more reassurance—he began to wonder why she felt so
insecure. Maybe she wasn’t the right one for him.
And when things got more difficult for Susan, she would yell at him, “Why don’t you go home with her? It’s obvious you want to!”
These kinds of jealous conflicts can end a relationship.
But, if you are jealous, does this mean that there is something terribly wrong with you?
My colleague, Dennis Tirch, and I just published a paper on jealousy—and how to handle it. Click here to get a copy of the article that appeared in the International Journal of Cognitive Therapy. We describe a step-by-step approach to helping people cope with their jealousy.
Let's look at what is going on when you are jealous and how you can handle it.
Jealousy is angry agitated worry.
When we are jealous we worry that our partner might find someone else more appealing and we fear that
he or she will reject us. Since we feel threatened that our partner
might find someone more attractive, we may activate jealousy as a way to
cope with this threat. We may believe that our jealousy may keep us
from being surprised, help us defend our rights, and force our partner
to give up interests elsewhere. Similar to worry, jealousy may be a
“strategy” that we use so that we can figure out what is going wrong or
learn what our partner “really feels.” We may also think that our
jealousy can motivate us to give up on the relationship—so that we don’t
get hurt any more. If you are feeling jealous, it’s important to ask
yourself what you hope to gain by your jealousy. We view jealousy as a
coping strategy.
Similar to other forms of worry,
jealousy leads us to focus only on the negative. We interpret our
partner’s behavior as reflecting a loss of interest in us or a growing
interest in someone else: “He finds her attractive” or “He is yawning
because I am boring.” Like other forms of worry, jealousy leads us to
take things personally and to mind-read negative emotions in other
people: “She’s getting dressed up to attract other guys.”
Jealousy can be an adaptive emotion.
People have different reasons—in
different cultures—for being jealous. But jealousy is a universal
emotion. Evolutionary psychologist David Buss in The Dangerous Passion
makes a good case that jealousy has evolved as a mechanism to defend our
interests. After all, our ancestors who drove off competitors were more
likely to have their genessurvive.
Indeed, intruding males (whether among lions or humans) have been known
to kill off the infants or children of the displaced male. Jealousy was
a way in which vital interests could be defended.
We believe that it is important to normalize jealousy as an emotion. Telling people that “You must be neurotic if you are jealous” or “You must have low self-esteem” will not work. In fact, jealousy—in some cases—may reflect high self-esteem: “I won’t allow myself to be treated this way.”
Jealousy may reflect your higher values
Psychologists—especially psychoanalysts—have looked at jealousy as a sign of deep-seated insecurities and personality defects.
We view jealousy as a much more complicated emotion. In fact, jealousy
may actually reflect your higher values of commitment, monogamy, love,
honesty, and sincerity. You may feel jealous because you want a
monogamous relationship and you fear that you will lose what is valuable
to you. We find it helpful to validate these values in our patients who
are jealous.
Some people may say, “You don’t own
the other person.” Of course, this is true—and any loving relationship
with mutuality is based on freedom. But it is also based on choices that
two free people make. If your partner freely chooses to go off with
someone else, then you may rest assured that you have good reasons to
feel jealous. We don’t own each other, but we may make affirmations
about our commitment to each other.
But if your higher values are based
on honesty, commitment and monogamy, your jealousy may jeopardize the
relationship. You are in a bind. You don’t want to give up on your
higher values—but you don’t want to feel overwhelmed by your jealousy.
Jealous feelings are different from jealous behaviors
Just as there is a difference
between feeling angry and acting in a hostile way, there is a difference
between feeling jealous and acting on your jealousy. It’s important to
realize that your relationship is more likely to be jeopardized by your
jealous behavior—such as continual accusations, reassurance-seeking,
pouting, and acting-out. Stop and say to yourself, “I know that I am
feeling jealous, but I don’t have to act on it.”
Notice that it is a feeling inside you. But you have a choice of whether you act on it.
What choice will be in your interest?
Accept and observe your jealous thoughts and feelings
When you notice that you are feeling
jealous, take a moment, breathe slowly, and observe your thoughts and
feelings. Recognize that jealous thoughts are not the same thing as a
REALITY. You may think that your partner is interested in someone else,
but that doesn’t mean that he really is. Thinking and reality are
different.
You don’t have to obey your jealous feelings and thoughts.
Notice that your feeling of anger
and anxiety may increase while you stand back and observe these
experiences. Accept that you can have an emotion—and allow it to be. You
don’t have to “get rid of the feeling.” We have found that mindfully
standing back and observing that a feeling is there can often lead to
the feeling weakening on its own.
Recognize that uncertainty is part of every relationship
Like many worries, jealousy seeks
certainty. “I want to know for sure that he isn’t interested in
her.” Or, “I want to know for sure that we won’t break up.” Ironically,
some people will even precipitate a crisis in order to get the
certainty. “I’ll break off with her before she breaks off with me!”
But uncertainty is part of life and
we have to learn how to accept it. Uncertainty is one of those
limitations that we can’t really do anything about. You can never know
for sure that your partner won’t reject you. But if you accuse, demand
and punish, you might create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Examine your assumptions about relationships
Your jealousy may be fueled by
unrealistic ideas about relationships. These may include beliefs that
past relationships (that your partner had) are a threat to your
relationship. Or you may believe that “My partner should never be
attracted to anyone else.” You may also believe that your emotions (of
jealousy and anxiety) are a “sign” that there is a problem. We call this
“emotional reasoning”—and it is often a very bad way to make decisions.
Or you may have problematic beliefs
about how to feel more secure. For example, you may believe that you can
force your partner to love you—or force him or her to lose interest in
someone else. You may believe that withdrawing and pouting will send a
message to your partner—and lead him to try to get closer to you. But
withdrawing may lead your partner to lose interest.
Sometimes your assumptions about relationships are affected by your childhoodexperiences or past intimate relationships. If your parents had a difficult divorce because
your father left your mother for someone else, you may be more prone to
believe that his may happen to you. Or you may have been betrayed in a
recent relationship and you now think that your current relationship
will be a replay of this.
You may also believe that you have
little to offer—who would want to be with you? If your jealousy is based
on this belief, then you might examine the evidence for and against
this idea. For example, one woman thought she had little to offer. But
when I asked her what she would want in an ideal partner—intelligence, warmth, emotional closeness, creativity,
fun, lots of interests—she realized that she was describing herself! If
she were so undesirable, then why would she see herself as an ideal
partner?
Use effective relationship skills
You don’t have to rely on jealousy
and jealous behavior to make your relationship more secure. You can use
more effective behavior. This includes becoming more rewarding to each
other—“catch your partner doing something positive.” Praise each other,
plan positive experiences with each other, and try to refrain from
criticism, sarcasm, labeling, and contempt. Learn how to share
responsibility in solving problems—use “mutual problem solving
skills.” Set up “pleasure days” with each other by developing a “menu”
of positive and pleasurable behaviors you want from each other. For
example, you can say, “Let’s set up a day this week that will be your
pleasure day and a day that will be my pleasure day.” Make a list of
pleasant and simple behaviors you want from each other: “I’d like a
foot-rub, talk with me about my work, let’s cook a meal together, let’s
go for a walk in the park.”
Jealousy seldom makes relationships
more secure. Practicing effective relationship behaviors is often a much
better alternative. For more information about how to improve your
relationship, click here. Below is an outline from the Leahy and Tirch (2008) article on the nature of jealousy.
Source: Robert Leahy
